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7 Breakthroughs in A.I. Making Porn Cumtastic While People Continue to Die From Cancer

Updated: Jan 23, 2019

Artificial intelligence is the most promising technology humankind has ever invented and has the power to revolutionize what people truly care about, such as cumming buckets. Putting more money into AI powered cancer treatment is fine and all, but what we really want is the future of entertainment. Tech companies have poured billions into AI powered products like Amazon’s outfit picker and Snapchat’s beautify face filters, which don’t really cure cancer, but definitely help people look more fuckable. It’s projected 1,180 children in the U.S. will die from cancer in 2018, but we can’t get over these 7 awesome advances in AI that make porn super tight (American Cancer Society):


1. Sex hotlines so realistic they pass the Turing Test

Natural language processing (NLP) has made huge strides in the recent decades. Chatbots have become so advanced they can even pass the Turing Test, making the best $1.25/minute sex hotline humankind has ever known. Not only are conversations between these AIs and actual adult workers indistinguishable, but these AIs are not quite aware enough to judge your fetishes. That’s right, no more awkward pause when you ask for what their taint smells like when it gets real sweaty. Meanwhile, 12.7 million people are diagnosed with cancer every year.


2. Smarter search: Finding hardcore porn that’s not TOO hardcore, ya know?

I’m sure most of you have been here. You’ve seen a lot of porn at this point, and you want to venture outside the same old same old. You’re looking for something more ‘hardcore,’ but not like something that involves fish hooks or anything. Thanks to recent breakthroughs in AI, the Pornucopia.com search engine can now understand and analyze all 3,805,204 features related to ‘hardcore’ porn, such as ‘whip,’ ‘spanking,’ and ‘watermelon.’ From this, the program can determine a sensible amount of ‘hardcore,’ which doesn’t really do much for the terminally ill but whatever.


3. Swap the porn actor(s) face with your own

We’re not sure which came first, Snapchat’s face swap feature or Porntopia’s, but most people use both on the daily. That’s right, you can replace a porn actor’s face with your own. Thanks to the wonders of AI, it is now effortless to imagine yourself getting railed against the banisters or over the top of a saran-wrapped futon. Have you ever wanted to masturbate to yourself masturbating? Now you can! However, 7.6 million people still die every year from cancer. Porntopia even supports up to nine simulatenous replacements, so orgies with anyone but yourself is a thing of the past. Look how many times you’re jizzing! Incredible.


4. Filthy recommendations based off your filthy search history

Netflix has made many world-changing innovations in AI, such as paying the best minds to improve binge watching. PornCentral, standing on the shoulders of giants, has perfected video recommendations. When you watch filthy videos of people cumming on figurines, you’ll get the perfect suggestion for the next disgusting, obscene video your nasty-ass wants to see. Sure, this has no advantage for lymphoma patients on the the brink of death, but you may happen upon some incest porn. You say you keep watching out of curiosity, but we both know that’s not true.


5. Marking where in a video the cumshot is

No longer do you have to scrub aimlessly through the video with one hand. Using new advancements in convolutional neural networks, the exact time of the cumshot is automatically identified and marked for you. Similar technology could probably help the 1 in 8 women who will develop breast cancer in the U.S., but that’s not where the money(shot) is. This way, you can mosey around the oral intro or cut straight to the bukkake, showing how research in AI is making the world a better place.


6. Targeted ads for the Simpsons-Family Guy crossover porn site just right for you

We’ve all seen Facebook’s advanced targeted advertising, but we wouldn’t be surprised if they took some cornerstone ideas from SmutHub. There are hundreds of sites that feature any combination of Marge, Peter, Brian, Lois, and Homer really going at it. However, using your online profiles and activity, SmutHub has fine-tuned how to curate the Simpsons-Griffin family crossover site that’s exactly right for you. The future is now, people.


7. Filter out videos that aren’t porn

When the field of AI was young, one of the first practical applications was categorizing videos that are pornogrpahic. This has obvious uses for censorship. However, we’re only interested in the good stuff. Thanks to deep learning, we can be warned that a video is safe for work before we waste our time. Did we mention 7.6 million people die from cancer every year?


Starting with calculating specialized treatments for cancer patients, to Facebook photo auto-tagging, to searching for tentacle porn videos, AI has come a very long way. The future of porn is bright, while mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters die from cancer every day.





Written by: Jared Troy

Edited by: Lily Blumkin (lilyblumkin.com) and Kevin Lawson (@Kmasterfresh)

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