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  • Writer's pictureJared Troy

New Physics Finding Confirms You're as Insignificant as Your Boss Says

Updated: Jan 23, 2019

This week, Researchers at the MIT Department of Physics and Astronomy found a score of habitable planets, further confirming your boss’ predictions of your worthlessness.

The Kepler telescope found 112 exoplanets in Goldilocks zones in their respective galaxies. What astrophysicists call a Goldilocks zone is the region orbiting a star that has just the right temperature to support life. This almost virtually confirms the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms, almost all of which probably have more important lives than you.

"That one time you postulated all the work you do is utterly meaningless was both scientifically correct and verifiable"

“We began by analyzing 250 planets in two nearby galaxies. Of those, we found almost half of them are capable of supporting life, which basically scientifically proves your job, life, and dreams aren’t all that important,” said Gretchen Wiessner, a PhD candidate at the California Institute of Technology.

Wiessner went on to add, “even before we made this discovery, we knew your life was fairly meaningless. Just compared to your local community, you’re a drop in the bucket.”

It has been confirmed that there are trillions of these Goldilocks zones, if not quadrillions. Even that one time you postulated all the work you do is utterly meaningless was both scientifically correct and verifiable--something your boss inferred of you many times before by calling you a worthless sack of shit.

Physicists say this is just the tip of the iceberg. Since 1995, scientists have found 3,600 habitable planets, having only searched galaxies within three light-years of us. Our universe has a diameter of 27.4 billion light-years, which means there are near infinite possibilities for life. This further suggests it’s an almost certainty there are many others exactly like you, reaffirming that one time your boss said you were the most replaceable pile of garbage in the universe.

Written: Jared Troy

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